A New Program
by MegHarts
Summary: Sequel to Puttin' 'em Through the Program.
1. Another Fight in the Life ofSirius&Grace

Disclaimer: If you want to sue me, remember: I have two dollars. J.K. Rowling has... more.

I'm alive. I know you all probably though I was dead. Unfortunately for you lot, I'm really hard to kill off.

I didn't forget about you! quite the contrary, I got a lovely email saying that you voted me as most humorous MWPP story, to which I can only say: thank you. you rock my socks. I love you all!

I also spent most of my summer writing a sequel (I wrote the whole thing), but then I decided that it was crap. If any of you want to read the parts that I DIDN'T delete in a fit of rage, you can be emailed them for £6 million or Orlando Bloom's phone number. Whichever.

I am writing a synopsis, because its been so damn long. (unless you WANT to waste precious time rereading Puttin' 'em Through the Program. I have no problem with that.)

SYNOPSIS: Lily and her friend, Grace, hate Sirius and James. Blah Blah Blah. Sirius and James are evil oppressors of animals and females. Lily and Grace blackmail them, and make them take a kick-ass class that most males should be forced to take. Blah Blah Blah. In the true spirit of a L/J story, Lily and James start dating.

I'll write little things for the characters (exception: Lily, Grace (NOT a HP character for all you people running to your HP stashes checking for her name), Sirius, James, Remus, and all our fav. HP characters) after I say their names. (example: James Potter is Harry's dad. Sirius is the grim reaper. –Just kidding. but actually, I like that. I may write it in somewhere.)

ok, I know you've all stopped paying attention by now, so on with the show:

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Chapter One: Another Fight in the Life of Sirius and Grace

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, de da le de. There they are a standing in a row, bum bum bum. Big ones small ones, some has big as your head!" Sirius sang in the Great Hall at breakfast. "And er... I don't know the rest of the words," he shrugged.

The numerous girls who had circled around him burst into applause.

"Brilliant, Siry!" said one of them. "Teach me!"

"You have _such_ a great voice. You should be in a band!" cried another.

"Yeah, Siry, will you marry me?!" chimed in a sarcastic voice. "I'd shine your shoes with my tongue and worship the ground you walk on!"

Sirius turned around to face the person the other girls were no glaring at. "Bella, I'm sorry I can't marry you. I think it's illegal. I'm sure you'll survive."

"Too bad, dear cousin. I saw your mother over break. You've really broken her heart," said Bellatrix, examining her nails. "She's blasted your name off the family tree."

"Mum doesn't have a heart to break," said Sirius. "Besides, I'm sure another hole is just what that tapestry needs."

"Alright, everyone," said Grace, walking over to the table, "I need to sit here, and this isn't your table, so please move." They girls grudgingly did so, and Grace sat next to Remus.

"Ah, still hanging with filth, I see," remarked Bellatrix, staring pointedly at Grace. "A Black should do so much better. But wait, you're not a Black now, are you?"

"Bellatrix," said Grace, "you aren't your usual pleasant self. Have you not had a small child for breakfast yet?"

Bellatrix lifted up her nose, "You're awfully brave, mudblood."

"Bella, please go if you're going to insult us," said Sirius.

Bellatrix raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't trying to insult, but I can take a hint. Goodbye, Gryffindor." She walked casually to the Slytherin table.

"Where's Lily?" asked Grace. "She left our room a half hour ago."

"Hmmm," said Remus. "Well, James is missing as well, so there you are."

"Haha! James and Lily are off snogging in a broom closet again!" cried Sirius.

"Sirius, act your age, not your IQ," said Grace. "Ah, there she is! Walking in with James. Okay, so maybe you were right."

"What's an IQ?" asked Peter.

No one answered him as Lily and James came at that moment.

"Hey everyone, how'd you sleep?" asked Lily as she sat down.

"Terrible," said Sirius.

"Awful," said Grace.

"I didn't," said Peter.

Lily grabbed the plate of bacon and began placing it on her own plate. "Glad to hear it."

"Lily!" cried Grace indignantly.

"I know!" agreed Sirius. "The nerve of asking us how we are and not even caring!"

She gave him a weird look. "I was referring to the dead pig she's stacking on her plate! Do you know what they do to those pigs?! Cruelty to animals!"

"Grace," said Lily calmly, picking up her fork, "you have strawberry jam on your toast. They smashed those strawberries. Cruelty to strawberries!"

"Do you want me to stop eating altogether?" asked Grace. "'Cause that's what I'm getting."

"Did they really _hurt_ the strawberries?" asked Peter, looking very sad.

"Strawberries don't have a central nervous system, so they can't feel hurt," replied Lily.

Peter looked confused, but he didn't comment on it again.

"You don't know they can't feel!" cried Sirius. "First you don't care about how we feel, then you're onto how the pigs feel, and now you don't care about the poor strawberries! Where does it end?!"

Everyone stared at him.

"Sirius," said Lily, "you would have slept better if you have done your Transfiguration essay when it was _assigned_. The night before it's due is not the best time."

Sirius held up his arms in exasperation, "I'm sorry I didn't write my essay a month ago! I'm sorry I wasn't perfect!" He let them down in sudden realization. "Wait, Prongs wasn't at our all-night essay party in the Room of Requirement. Why?"

"Because I didn't wait a month to write it," said James, biting into a piece of toast.

Sirius turned, stood up, and pointed a finger at Lily. "You helped him. You wrote his essay for him! Don't deny it!"

"What?! I most certainly did not!" cried Lily. "James wasn't a procrastinator like you!"

Sirius crossed his arm and tapped his foot. "Uh huh, suuuuure. _Denier_."

"I didn't bloody help him! He wrote it on his own!" cried Lily exasperated.

"DENIER!"

"Sirius, SHUT UP!" cried Grace. "You're so annoying!"

"I am not," said Sirius.

"No, you are," Grace said.

"We've got another denier on our hands!" cried Sirius. "Denier!"

"Ok, Sirius," said James, "I agree with Grace. You're really annoying."

"You're just jealous 'cause I sing and you can't," said Sirius.

"Who says you can sing?" asked James.

"The entire female population of Hogwarts," said Sirius. "Oh, minus the Slytherins. And faculty. Oh, and Grace."

"Yeah but they haven't heard me sing. And who got the wizard wireless karaoke for Christmas?" asked James.

"Your father for you. It was against his better judgement, or possibly he's never heard you sing before," said Sirius.

As if on cue, a fifth year came over to them.

"Sirius," she said, "I heard something in your room last night all the way from the common room. It sounded like someone was dying. Are you alright?"

"I wasn't in my room last night," said Sirius, looking confused. Then a smile appeared on his face, "But James was! James, did you by any chance-oh, I don't know- sing on your karaoke thingy last night?"

"Yes, but no one was dying in our room," said James, looking confused.

Everyone else burst out laughing.

Sirius nodded, "No, we're all fine." The girl walked away as confused-looking as James.

"What? There wasn't anyone dying in our room! I would have heard them," said James.

Lily took a deep breath while laughing, attempting to sober up, "I'm sure there weren't."

James looked satisfied until she burst out laughing again. "Ugh, I'm leaving if you're not letting me in on the joke."

He stood up and walked out of the Great Hall.

"I'd better go get him before he hurts himself," said Lily, when everyone had recovered. She, too, stood up and walked out.

"Transfiguration, then?" asked Sirius.

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Sirius danced on his way to Transfiguration. He effectively bumped into Grace.

"Sirius!" cried Grace. "Watch it!"

Sirius bumped into her again. This time it was probably intended. That was what Grace decided.

She let out a "OH YOU ARE SO DEAD!" and chased him all the way to the classroom.

Sirius bumped into Professor McGonagall.

"Mr. Black!" she cried, straightening her bun. "What are you doing?"

"Well, I was running," said Sirius, "from a wild savage beast sometimes referred to as the evil Grace Greenleaf."

"Oh please!" cried Grace. "You bumped into me on purpose!"

"'He bumped into me on purpose,'" mocked Sirius. "Yeah, that's gonna sound _real_ good when you're in front of a trial for my murder."

"A trial?" asked Grace. "Are you kidding? They'll probably give me a medal!"

"I'm too incredibly good-looking to kill!" cried Sirius. "They probably wouldn't even let you have a trial! You'd go straight to Azkaban!"

"Mr. Black, Miss Greenleaf, that's quite enough!" interrupted Professor McGonagall. Sirius and Grace both remembered she was there, and quieted. "I want you both to sit down right now!" They did as she said, sitting on opposite ends of the room.

After everyone had gotten in the room and the bell had rung, Professor McGonagall smiled at the class.

"I want you to turn this pigeon into a fish," she said. She taught them the proper spell (_Formus Changus_), and made another announcement. "Mr. Black, Miss Greenleaf, sit next to each other. You are partners."

Sirius and Grace groaned.

"For the rest of the year," she added.

The groan became a scream.

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A/n: Yes, there is the beautiful first chapter. I know you all loved my spell (I'll think of better ones later, probably).

I just wanted to thank you all for reading this and being so supportive! You all are my awesome list!


	2. Step One: Battling It Out

**Step One:** _Battling It Out_

"Black!" screamed Grace. "She said turn it into a pigeon!"

"I did," said Sirius, looking at her confused.

"Then why is it a turkey?!" cried a frustrated Grace.

"Is _that_ what a turkey looks like?" asked Sirius, a grin coming onto his face.

"I'm sure Professor McGonagall has made an error in making us partners," said Grace. "She probably never intended that. She knows we hate each other."

"Yeah, I'm thinking that's why she did it," said Sirius as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Ugh, just because she hates you doesn't mean she hates me!" said Grace.

"Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but people don't normally like people who bump into them," Sirius said pointedly.

"_You_ are the one who bumped into her!" said Grace.

"Oh yeah," Sirius smiled. "I did, didn't I?"

"Stop smirking! This is all your fault! I'm talking to her as soon as class is finished."

Grace went up to Professor McGonagall the second class ended.

"What's she doing?" Lily asked Sirius.

"She trying to convince Professor McGonagall I'm an idiot," replied Sirius, rolling his eyes.

"I think she already knew that, mate," said James.

"BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO BE WITH BLACK THE ENTIRE YEAR! I'LL PROBABLY COMMIT SUICIDE OR SOMETHING!" they heard Grace scream from the front of the room.

"Sounds like it's going well," said James.

"Yeah- er- let's get to Charms," said Lily, pushing the two out of the room.

Grace joined them in the room a few moments later.

"You were doing well, Grace," said Sirius. "You were completely convincing at that suicide part. I know that teachers _love_ to be yelled at."

"Shut it, Black," said Grace. "I never want to see your ugly face again!"

Sirius put a hand to his chest. "You've cut me deep."

"I take it that she didn't let you switch partners," said Lily.

"No! She said while _she completely sympathized 'cause Black is an annoying prat_," she emphasized for Sirius' benefit, "that she couldn't change it because Black and I have major issues we need to work out. Personally, I think only one of us has major issues, and it isn't _me_."

"Yeah, I wouldn't put your money on that, Greenleaf," said Sirius.

Grace and Sirius kept "accidentally" setting each other's hair on fire, so Professor Flitwick put them on opposite sides of the room.

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Lily ran down the stairs into the common room later that night. She walked over to where James and Remus were sitting, playing chess.

"Save me!" she cried.

"What's wrong?" James asked, concerned.

"If I have to listen to any more of Sirius' faults, I'm going to flip!" she cried.

"Ah Grace," said Remus, capturing James' queen with his bishop.

"Bugger!" cried James glancing puzzledly at the chessboard.

"Yes, Grace! We need to do something about those two! I mean, it's gotten so incredibly awful! Why can't they just like each other?" Lily said as she took James' next move for him, capturing Remus' bishop.

James began laughing. "Sorry," he said when the other two gave him weird looks. "I was just thinking about them setting each other's hair on fire."

Lily smiled. "That was funny. Not as good as when we turned him into a squirrel, but..."

Remus burst out laughing. "I'd forgotten about that!"

"I don't recall it being funny," pouted James.

"Of course it wasn't," soothed Lily with a smile. She took her next move after Remus. "Hey! That's it!"

"You want to turn them into fluffy animals?" asked James, gasping as Remus took another one of his chess pieces.

"No, James. I have better idea," said Lily, making another move on the board. "Checkmate."

Remus and James both stared at the board. "How the bloody hell do you always do that?" asked James.

"I'm brilliant," Lily said simply. "Now, listen up."

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"Comeon, Grace!" said Lily. "I promised James I'd meet him here!"

She pulled Grace down the hallway.

"I don't know why you need me to come to your make out sessions," complained Grace.

"Oh please, we don't have them in this hall. It's much further away," said Lily. "Just come with me."

"The Charms classroom?" asked Grace. "Why are we here?"

"I'll tell you when we get inside," said Lily. She quickly pushed Grace into the room.

"What's _he_ doing here?" asked Grace.

"What's _she _doing here?" asked Sirius.

They found themselves pushed onto chairs and immobilized with a few well-aimed spells.

"This," said Lily, "is a program similar to the one James and Sirius took. Except, instead of you both learning about the opposite gender, you're going to learn about each other."

"And you're going to like it, or else," said James.

"You don't expect the teachers to let you go through with this!" cried Grace. "We'll tell them you're holding us against our will!"

Lily, James, and Remus all burst out laughing.

"Go on thinking that, Grace," said James.

"What do you mean?" asked Sirius.

Professors Flitwick, McGonagall, and Dumbledore stepped into the room.

"Thank you for coming to save us!" cried Grace. "These three have gone psycho!"

"I'm glad to see you got them here," said Professor Dumbledore.

Grace and Sirius gasped. "No bloody way!" cried Sirius.

"Language, Mr. Black," said Professor McGonagall, giving him a stern look.

"Sorry, Professor. But why are you doing this to us?" asked Sirius.

"Why?!" repeated Grace.

"Your rivalry has become a problem," said Professor Dumbledore. "It has caused many in-class distractions, as well as outside dangers."

"How?" asked Grace. "I mean, I know about the in-class part."

"You have sent three children so far to the hospital wing with the spells that have missed the other

person in the hallway," said Professor McGonagall.

"Three isn't really that many! It happens!" said Sirius.

"Let me rephrase that," said Professor McGonagall. "You have sent three children so far _today_ to the hospital wing."

"That doesn't include the two you sent from my class," said Professor Flitwick.

"We didn't _mean_ to set their robes on fire," said Grace. "It was just a small mistake."

"Hey, those happened to be my favourite robes!" said James.

"Oh I said I was sorry!" said Grace. "Besides, they look better now."

"Stuff it, Greenleaf," said Sirius.

"Black, it's your fault we're here in the first place!" cried Grace.

"My fault?! Who turned Frank Longbottom into a pigeon?" asked Sirius.

"At least I didn't turn him into a _turkey_," said Grace.

"Would you lay off with that already? I know what a pigeon is!" cried Sirius.

"Good luck," Professor McGonagall said, looking at the two arguing. "You'll need it." The three professors left the room.

"Maybe we should take away their wands," suggested James. "You know, while they're still immobile."

"I'm going to kill you when we get out of this!" cried Grace.

"You know, I'm not so sure they ever need their wands back," said Remus.

"Yeah right! You couldn't hurt a fly!" cried Sirius.

"Oh, he's a dead man," said Lily. "A dead man with a very short memory."

"You know, this is kind of fun to watch," said James. "Let's just let them argue for this session."

"Sure," said Remus. He said a quick spell to transfigure a piece of paper. "Popcorn?"

"Why thank you, Remus," said Lily.

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Lily came to breakfast the next morning with Grace in tow.

"Hello Grace," said Remus. "Pleasant morning, is it not?"

She shot him a dirty look, and sat down.

Sirius glared at her, and she glared back.

"Why aren't they talking?" asked Peter. "Did someone put a spell on them?"

"Peter, old chum," began James, "sometimes when you yell too much, you lose your voice."

He, Lily, and Remus all burst out laughing.

"What? Why don't they just go to the nurse?" asked Peter. "She can heal anything."

"Except when she's on strict orders not to," Lily said cheerfully. "Grace found that out the hard way this morning when she went up to the hospital wing."

"Funny thing, so did Sirius," said James. He received a plate of eggs in his face from Sirius.

"You know what's nice about being a head girl?" asked Lily. "I can give out detentions!"

"Give him one!" shouted Peter. "He threw _my_ eggs. I was eating those, Sirius!"

Sirius rolled his eyes.

Grace nodded at this point and gestured wildly, affirming her positive feelings for Sirius getting a detention.

"Hey, I know!" said James. "We can give them-"

"No!" said Lily, covering his mouth with her hand. "We're saving that for later."

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A/N: thanks for all the beautiful reviews on the last chapter! they were awesome!

Cassandrah Potter- my first reviewer AND someone from the past! Yay!

Seren Lunar Echo- I'm glad you thought it was funny! I was kinda worried. I hope this one's ok. (crosses fingers)

BlueTwilight24- ah Niltiac, the reason I haven't updated in a month. Sok. I still love you.

Kat44- I shall try hard to write more chapters... faster. I'm bad at the faster part. Sorry!

Stalker124 – wow.

dont-give-me-a-pen- I hope I used another awesome word in this chapter ( I personally think pigeon is an awesome word, but my sanity HAS been questioned). I still love your name!

Park Boy- thanks for reading my other one! I HOPE this lives up to the first...

SummerRainForever- peter, so stupid. Hehe.

siriusforeva- yeah they will! And I will try to drag out their learning as long as humanly possible...

gldnsunsprite21- thanks for the love! I'll try to make the rest of it sound awesome, too.


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